If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
