just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
