Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
