After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
