i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
