yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
