I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
