Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
