Where are you?
In a non slutty way
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
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