she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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