Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
