got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
