Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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