Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
