brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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