I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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