Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
