hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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