8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
