I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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