your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
