Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
