he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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