my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
