1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize