I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
