ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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