I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
