Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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