It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
