She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
