What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
