Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
