Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
