apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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