she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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