I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
