Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
