Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
