I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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