Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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