Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
