He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize