I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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