For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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