chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
