I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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