at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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