my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
