I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
