dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
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