Only a mothe r could love this liver
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
