she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
