when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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