i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
