my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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