she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
