I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
