where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
