I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
