Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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