The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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