I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
