Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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