I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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