in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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