Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Let's paint friendship bongs
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
