He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
whose parrot is this?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
